Sunday, October 29, 2006
The Uglies By:Scott Westerfeld
Book Essay
The "Uglies" is the name of the of the book and the author is to be known as Scott Westerfeld. This book reads from third-person point of view. The Uglies takes place in two different communities the first community is a place where basic people of the world live, they are known to be called the uglies. In the second community is a place where the people known as the pretties live. Thats what makes the story so fiction because we are not in the future. Nor do live in the a ugly town or pretty town. So far the story has a unique plot because the is based on future events. At times its hard to comprehend, seeing as things are different or not yet invented.
The first conflict in the story was man verses man because Perish agrees with the rules of society and Tally doesnt. In the story Tally goes to visit Perish but he seems to not want her there. He says to her " You need to leave here before anyone sees you. Promise me that you wont come back" (p19). Tally asks Perish if they were still best friends. He signed and replied "Sure, whatever in three months"(p 20). The second conflict are described as man vs. society because Tally disagees with what society has to offer. It was said that "once the teenagers turned sixteen they were to become one of the pretties" The only problem with Tally was that she wasn't looking forward to becoming one the pretties leading her to stand alone with society.
The author, Scott Westfeld uses alliteration a lot throughout the chapters . For example, on page (93) and also (97)the letter p is constantly repeated. But when you say you're pretty people pay more attention(93). Stipped out replaced with programmable plastic, skin(97). Scott seems to always create things espeacially new words. Seeing as, the story takes place in the future. Also, the use of dialect is different and confusing. "She was wearing serious-trick wear"(88). Is an example of onomatopoeia, the serious-trick is another word for a professional outfit. Another example would be on page(99). It was where everyone went for serious operations: littles, uglies, even late pretties from way out in Crumblyville coming in for life-long extensions treatments. In our socitey, the present, there is no serious operations with those names.
The irony in the "Uglies" is all throughout the story. It first takes place at the beginning of the book, when Tally wants to see Perish. She goes to see him but theres slight conflict. "Just promise me that you won't do any more stupid tricks. Like coming here. Something that'll get you into trouble"(19). The strap and zippers seemed to wind around her like snakes until the plastic was snug around her waist and thighs(21). Is an example of a simile. The one of many metaphors is placed on page(24). She pulled randomly at the straps until the garment made a hissing sound and dropped to the ground. In the story the author also tends to give non- living things, living characteristics. An example would be on showed on page(27). A twig popped under her knee. Tally's aching muscles had finally betrayed her. Unfortunatley, Scott failed to place foreshadow in the characters name. However, I think the entire book is written in an allusion because these events hasn't happened yet. The book's whole setting is futuristic.
The theme of the book "Uglies" is conformity. Tally and others are constantly pressured by society, to be pretty and perfect. Which many teenagers in our society can relate to. Nowadays for most, theres a certain look you have to obtain when your in highschool. For instance, if your clothes aren't labels then most will figure that you can't afford them(that's peer-pressure from society). So those who can, tease those who can't. For most girls labels aren't the problem, as long as you wear what's in style. Some teenagers, girls and boys, consume peer-pressure from there friends. This mostly happens at parties, school or around the neighborhood. Teenagers are pressured about the way they look, drugs, gangs, sex, and their educational choices. Tally goes through the same thing, about peer-pressure concerning the way she looks. The only difference is that, she has no choice, those are the rules in her society. Fortunately, our society doesn't have those rules but society does brain-wash us into thinking certain things are okay.
The "Uglies" is the name of the of the book and the author is to be known as Scott Westerfeld. This book reads from third-person point of view. The Uglies takes place in two different communities the first community is a place where basic people of the world live, they are known to be called the uglies. In the second community is a place where the people known as the pretties live. Thats what makes the story so fiction because we are not in the future. Nor do live in the a ugly town or pretty town. So far the story has a unique plot because the is based on future events. At times its hard to comprehend, seeing as things are different or not yet invented.
The first conflict in the story was man verses man because Perish agrees with the rules of society and Tally doesnt. In the story Tally goes to visit Perish but he seems to not want her there. He says to her " You need to leave here before anyone sees you. Promise me that you wont come back" (p19). Tally asks Perish if they were still best friends. He signed and replied "Sure, whatever in three months"(p 20). The second conflict are described as man vs. society because Tally disagees with what society has to offer. It was said that "once the teenagers turned sixteen they were to become one of the pretties" The only problem with Tally was that she wasn't looking forward to becoming one the pretties leading her to stand alone with society.
The author, Scott Westfeld uses alliteration a lot throughout the chapters . For example, on page (93) and also (97)the letter p is constantly repeated. But when you say you're pretty people pay more attention(93). Stipped out replaced with programmable plastic, skin(97). Scott seems to always create things espeacially new words. Seeing as, the story takes place in the future. Also, the use of dialect is different and confusing. "She was wearing serious-trick wear"(88). Is an example of onomatopoeia, the serious-trick is another word for a professional outfit. Another example would be on page(99). It was where everyone went for serious operations: littles, uglies, even late pretties from way out in Crumblyville coming in for life-long extensions treatments. In our socitey, the present, there is no serious operations with those names.
The irony in the "Uglies" is all throughout the story. It first takes place at the beginning of the book, when Tally wants to see Perish. She goes to see him but theres slight conflict. "Just promise me that you won't do any more stupid tricks. Like coming here. Something that'll get you into trouble"(19). The strap and zippers seemed to wind around her like snakes until the plastic was snug around her waist and thighs(21). Is an example of a simile. The one of many metaphors is placed on page(24). She pulled randomly at the straps until the garment made a hissing sound and dropped to the ground. In the story the author also tends to give non- living things, living characteristics. An example would be on showed on page(27). A twig popped under her knee. Tally's aching muscles had finally betrayed her. Unfortunatley, Scott failed to place foreshadow in the characters name. However, I think the entire book is written in an allusion because these events hasn't happened yet. The book's whole setting is futuristic.
The theme of the book "Uglies" is conformity. Tally and others are constantly pressured by society, to be pretty and perfect. Which many teenagers in our society can relate to. Nowadays for most, theres a certain look you have to obtain when your in highschool. For instance, if your clothes aren't labels then most will figure that you can't afford them(that's peer-pressure from society). So those who can, tease those who can't. For most girls labels aren't the problem, as long as you wear what's in style. Some teenagers, girls and boys, consume peer-pressure from there friends. This mostly happens at parties, school or around the neighborhood. Teenagers are pressured about the way they look, drugs, gangs, sex, and their educational choices. Tally goes through the same thing, about peer-pressure concerning the way she looks. The only difference is that, she has no choice, those are the rules in her society. Fortunately, our society doesn't have those rules but society does brain-wash us into thinking certain things are okay.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
A DOWNFALL
As I gasp for air my eyes turned red. I begin to feel dizzy and light headed as his hands tighten around my neck. My hands were placed around his hands as I started digging my fingernails into his skin. Begging him to let go, in my eyes I know he sees the fear. Fear that I won't live to see tomorrow but does he really care. It didn't really matter at this point since I was seconds away from death. Just as my eyes rolled in the back of my head, he lets go. I swallowed my spit and inhaled all the air I could. Sliding down to the floor while I lay there my mind blank. Trying to figure out if this really just happened. How could he do this to me? Then I thought to myself it wasn't the first time this has happened . He stood there looking at me as I laid on the floor crying. Suddenly he just walked away grabbing his car keys and coat off the bed. As I got up off the floor my body felt so weak I could barely move. I limped to the bathroom, grabbing some tissue to wipe my eyes and nose. When I looked in the mirrior I saw all the bruises and scratches on my face. I felt like Ashanti in the song Rain on me. " I'm lookin in da mirrior at dis woman down and out. She's internally dyin. I know this is not what's love about. I dont wanna be this woman the second time around. 'Cuz I wakin up screamin no longer believin that gonna be around!" I couldnt say a word and instantly I began to cry. I cried on the bathroom sink, I cried while walking to the bedroom and cried myself to sleep.
That morning I felt the same as I do everymorning wishing he end the torture and just kill me. Not wanting to live because I was living with him. As my eyes opened I looked my strangler in the face. That same person who almost killed me last night, was lying right next to me in my bed. He was a thief, a liar, a controlfreak and my husband. For years it was the samething just different days. For those next few hours I laid there until he left for work. At least thats what he always told me, who knows what he did during the day but I knew there was somebody else. I got up and took a long hot bubble bath for about a hour. It helped my aches and pains but it didnt help my broken heart. That was broken a long time ago from being so unhappy, after soaking in the tub I put my clothes on. Right before I added the make-up on my bruises and scratches from yesterday. Thats how I hid it from my family and friends. I had gotten so good at it, nobody ever knew what was really going on. They all thought that me and Diontae were a happily married couple, my best friend Reshah didnt even know and I told her everything. So when I buttoned my coat I headed out to the hospital for my doctors appointment. I didnt really want to go but I've rescheduled my appointment more than three times. As I drove for twenty-three minutes I begin thinking, making myself more depressed than before. Minutes later I entered the doctors' office.
When Dr. Thomas asked me how I was feeling, I wanted to say horrible but instead I nodded and said "fine you."
"Okay. Your test results came back and I have great news for you!" he said smiling with papers in his hand.
"Whats that?" I said with a fake smile on my face. You could almost tell that I was holding back all my pain.
"Well, Ms. Williams your pregnant!" he said so cheerfully.
"Excuse me, what did you say? Wait, are you sure? You can't be positive!" my words ran together as if I was speaking spanish.
"Arent you thrilled.....? Is there a problem Tiffani? Do you wanna talk about it?" Dr. Thomas asked with a worried look on his face.
"No, no problem at all. Is it possible that I can leave now" I said jumping up grabbing my purse.
"Sure, but I want to run your bloodwork again. Just to make sure everything is fine"
After the bloodwork I disappeared out of the hospital quickly because I didnt want him asking anymore questions. I put my key in my car door but the door wouldnt open. Probably because I was putting the wrong key in the door, I was that nervous. I finally opened the car door and sat there, shocked. I thought to myself this is not what I need right now, there is too much going on between me and Diontae. Raising a baby in a broken home is not gonna work out at all, not with his attitude. Diontae wasn't at the point where he wanted a child. He wasn't one of the men who'd sing "forever my lady" by Jodeci. " So your havin my baby and that means so much to me. Theres nothin more precious, than to raise a family." He was one of those men who'd tell you to get rid it and take you a clinic.
When I got home Diontae was already there, usually I'd beat him home from work. He had flowers put in a vase and dinner on the table. This was always his way of saying he was sorry, so I sat down like nothing happened yesterday. That was my way of accepting his apology, but I really didnt. Since I knew it was going to happen again even though he said I wouldnt. So we sat down and ate the meal he had prepared. We even had a normal conversation like a normal married couples do.
Afterwards we sat down and watched my favorite movie "The Fifth Element". I had to admit we were having a good time laughing and talking about the movie. However all that came to a close, when I began to feel sick to my stomach. Before I knew it, I was running to the bathroom with my hand over my mouth . Trying to keep the vomit down but it came right up. Luckily I made it to the toliet and there he was standing behind me.
"Baby you okay?" Diontae asked with a concerned face.
I tried to answer him but the vomit kept coming up and my face was so pale.
"You sure?" he asked again. At that point I wanted to say I was pregnant. It was jumping through my throat but I was so scared at what he was going to say. So I just said it loud and clear with no thoughts.
"Diontae I'm pregnant!" He looked at me so shocked( probably how I looked when I was told).
"We aint ready for no baby and why would you think that?" "You gon have to do something about that Tiffani, and fast."
"What do you want me to do? It took two of us to make this child, Diontae. Why you acting like that. We got money to care for a child. Whats the problem, huh?"
"Look I don't wanna talk about this, its late. I'm going to bed and we going to the clinic. End of conversation."
I was too afraid to reply back. I just sat there looking so dumbfounded. As the night hours went by I laid there in his arms, silent. I couldn't sleep I was there feeling so bad and I felt like such a coward. I was so ashamed. I constantly let him control me like I can't think or do for myself. This wasn't a marriage this was a prison with outside doors.
For the past three days Diontae and I didn't say much of nothing to each other. The only time we talked, was when he made arrangements for me to go the clinic for an abortion. Yet I continued to act like nothing was wrong with me. Somehow, I knew he had to know I was upset but to him it didnt matter. He'd get up for work, leave, then call before he got off and say he'd be home late. It didnt surprise me though, he seemed to always do that when we got into an argument. Right before he figured he wanted to put his hands on me. I knew his late nights were accompanied by some woman and the strange thing was that I didn't even care. Most of the time I wished he would leave me for her. I liked being at home without him there, I felt comfortable. There was no one here to yell about what needed to be done in the house like I was a little kid. Or I didn't have to worry if he was going to flip out and hit me but I guess that was my fault. Since I allowed this to continue.
It was Thursday morning, my appointment to go to the clinic and I was already up. I got dressed and waited on Diontae to get himself together. Still we weren't speaking to each other and I was relieved because there was nothing he could say to make this better. We got in the car and headed down to the clinic. When we pulled up I almost didn't want to get out the car but once again, I forced myself to do so.
After moments of waiting they called my name to see the doctor. Fortunately, Diontae was asked to sit in the waiting room and wait for me. When I got to the room the nurse asked me to remove my clothes and throw on a blue robe. I sat there patiently with tears rolling down my face, anxious to get it over with. Before I knew it the nurse walked in the room and I quickly wiped my tears away. I was praying she didn't notice that I was crying.
"Hi, I'm Nurse Scott. How is everything?" she said.
"Fine."
"If you don't mind I'd like to ask you a couple of questions? Just to make sure you still want to follow through with procedure," she asked properly.
"Okay I have no problem with that, go right ahead."
"Um........ have you ever had an abortion before?"
"No."
"How many weeks were you before you realized you wanted an abortion?"
"Uh well, I'm not sure. I think I was about 3 weeks"
"Well, was an abortion your first thought when you find out?
"I dont know cuz when I found out I was shocked. I mean I was kinda concerned with what my husband was going to say but mostly shocked. "
"So when he found out did you both agree on what was to be done?"
Scratching my head I said " Not exactly."
"Mrs. Williams it seems as though your not sure. Can I ask you a personal question?"
"Yeah."
"What happened when you told your husband?"
"Um... well uh... he was in shock like me."
"I mean what was said? Were there any disagreements?"
"First I told him that I was pregnant and he looked as if I was crazy. Then he started telling me that I was going to have do something. I guess he was saying I was gonna have to get an abortion. Yet, I tried to explain that we can have this baby, so we argued some more and more. Which how we ended up here. I mean its no big deal I can get pregnant again its just that now isn't a good time."
When I said that she looked at me shocked like I had told her more than she wanted to know. But for some reason I felt a little released that was the first time in a long time that I ever told somebody what happened between me and Diontae. At the same time I was embarassed and I made myself look really stupid. I sounded like one of those women who let their husband run over them and I was.
"Mrs. Williams it sounds to me like your just doing what he says do. Its like your here because he wants you to be. Because I think if it was your choice you wouldn't be here, would you?"
"No, I don't really believe in abortions"
"Soooo um... you really want this baby?"
"Yeah I do."
"Then Ms. Williams why are you here?"
At that frozen second I had no logical answer because none of this was my choice. For three years I had been letting Diontae control me like a puppet, everthing he told me to do I did. I felt really dumb sitting in that room about to have an abortion that I clearly didn't want. Even the nurse could see that I wanted my baby, deep down in my mind I knew that I just doing what he told me. The truth of the matter was I was scared as hell to tell him how I felt. I was afraid of him but within that moment I knew I had to what I had to do. I was tried of being this insecure and foolish woman. I was going to keep my baby and leave him.
"Is it too late to change my mind becasue I don't wanna go through with this, at all."
"No, sweetheart. Its better late than never. You'll have to sign your release papers. Uh... do you want to call tell your husband you've changed your mind. "
"No! I wanna leave without him seeing me. I don't want to make a dramatic scene, if he sees me still pregnant he's gonna flip"
"Well... there is a back entrance, you can go out that way."
"Thank you. I really do appreciate your concern. I haven't felt that in a long time"
"Your welcome."
When I left out the clinic I felt like a sneaky coward but also a brand new woman. The woman I use to be before I claimed his last name. I wasn't Mrs Diontae Williams I was Ms. Tiffani Bradshaw, I had my identity back. I am no longer his doormat.
I walked to the bus stop down the street from the clinic not knowing where I was headed. However, I knew I didnt wanna go back to that house because if he caught me, he would have tried to make me stay. So I hopped on the next 55th bus that detoured into the Midway Airport. I couldn't help but realize that this was a sign. A sign that I needed to get off that bus, go in the airport and start a new life. Then suddenly the song "I gotta go" by Vivian Green popped in my head. " I gotta go, I gotta leave. So please don't make this hard for me. We've been in love, I tried of us. I gotta let 'cha go." If I stay who knows what could to happen to me but I refused to stay with him. I took him back too many times, fortunately this time I was through. I needed to make a choice that was going to benefit me and my baby, in which staying with Diontae was not the best choice.
Within 2 hours I boared the next plane to Minnesota, I had family there and I knew they would be happy to see me. I hadn't see them since my wedding because me and Diontae moved to Chicago, 2 months later. While I was on the plane, I wrote Diontae a letter that explain why I left. Eventhough it was obvious that I didnt need to explain myself but I still felt there were some things that needed to be said. In the letter I wrote all the things I couldnt say when we were together, it read........
To My Downfall,
I know your wondering why I left. But In all honesty, you should already know why. I was suppose to be your wife yet you treated me like your doormat. I allowed you to make me feel like shit and that was my fault. I should have never gave you that much authority over me, I should have never let you think it was okay for you to put your hands on me and I should have never let you think I was okay for you to disrespect and cheat on me. Til Death Do Us Part, I guess I didnt obey that vow but I obeyed the rest. Can you honestly say the same thing? I doubt it. If I think back really hard, I can remember when I was in love with you. I use think I could never stopping loving you. Even when you were cheating on me I still loved you and even when you hit on me I still loved you. Thats what made it so hard for me to leave because I didnt wanna stop being with you. I thought you had felt the same. I was fooled. Sometimes I wonder were you ever in love with me? Sometimes I wonder why you treated me that way and was it my fault? But its too late to ask questions because its over. I stopped loving you the day you asked me to give up my baby, the one thing I wanted most. Right then and there I realized you didnt care about me or this baby, all you cared about was yourself. I want nothing from you but a divorce because I have taken all I can take. You never appreciated all that I gave you and I'm tried of trying to make something work that has clearly ended. I've shed too many tears for somebody who's not worth it. If you want you can act as if you dont have a child because I know you want to anyways. So go right ahead, this baby is better off without you and so am I. I was born June 14, 1982 and I died the day I married you. Fortunately, I was reborn the day I left you and I will continue to live. So GoodBye and please don't bother to write. We're better off without each other!
-Tiffani
I mailed the letter off as I got off the plane with my mother's address. I wanted to get rid of anything that had to do with him. I showed up at my mothers' house and she welcomed me with open arms. I explained to her what happened but I left out the part about Diontae beating on me. I didn't need the sympathy trip she had already felt sorry for me. Plus, some things were better left unsaid.
Months went by and I had been doing fine, I started working in a law firm downtown with my aunt. In late July I had my baby, I named her Mykyla Shauni Bradshaw, she was 6 pounds and 7 ounces. Years had went by and I never heard from Diontae again. My aunt and my mother kept telling me to file child support but I told them I wanted nothing from him. I wanted my life clear of him. Eventhough I did want my child to have a father but it wans't like he was going to volunteer to be in her life so why bother.
My mother always asked "whatcha gonna tell her when she gets older and she ask about her father". I told her I would tell Mykyla the truth.
I'd say "Your father and I were in disagreement about my pregnancy with you and he wasm't treating me right. So I left because because I wasn't to have an abortion".
Ofcourse I wouldn't tell her how abusive he was because she didn't need to know that. I wouldn't know how she'd look at me. I guess thats a secret that I'll take to the grave.
Sometimes I'd sit and wonder how things would be if I stayed with Diontae but I knew I made the right choice. I use to worry that I would never find love again but then I realize I had my daughter and that was all the love I needed. She was the best thing that happened to me and a true blessing.
That morning I felt the same as I do everymorning wishing he end the torture and just kill me. Not wanting to live because I was living with him. As my eyes opened I looked my strangler in the face. That same person who almost killed me last night, was lying right next to me in my bed. He was a thief, a liar, a controlfreak and my husband. For years it was the samething just different days. For those next few hours I laid there until he left for work. At least thats what he always told me, who knows what he did during the day but I knew there was somebody else. I got up and took a long hot bubble bath for about a hour. It helped my aches and pains but it didnt help my broken heart. That was broken a long time ago from being so unhappy, after soaking in the tub I put my clothes on. Right before I added the make-up on my bruises and scratches from yesterday. Thats how I hid it from my family and friends. I had gotten so good at it, nobody ever knew what was really going on. They all thought that me and Diontae were a happily married couple, my best friend Reshah didnt even know and I told her everything. So when I buttoned my coat I headed out to the hospital for my doctors appointment. I didnt really want to go but I've rescheduled my appointment more than three times. As I drove for twenty-three minutes I begin thinking, making myself more depressed than before. Minutes later I entered the doctors' office.
When Dr. Thomas asked me how I was feeling, I wanted to say horrible but instead I nodded and said "fine you."
"Okay. Your test results came back and I have great news for you!" he said smiling with papers in his hand.
"Whats that?" I said with a fake smile on my face. You could almost tell that I was holding back all my pain.
"Well, Ms. Williams your pregnant!" he said so cheerfully.
"Excuse me, what did you say? Wait, are you sure? You can't be positive!" my words ran together as if I was speaking spanish.
"Arent you thrilled.....? Is there a problem Tiffani? Do you wanna talk about it?" Dr. Thomas asked with a worried look on his face.
"No, no problem at all. Is it possible that I can leave now" I said jumping up grabbing my purse.
"Sure, but I want to run your bloodwork again. Just to make sure everything is fine"
After the bloodwork I disappeared out of the hospital quickly because I didnt want him asking anymore questions. I put my key in my car door but the door wouldnt open. Probably because I was putting the wrong key in the door, I was that nervous. I finally opened the car door and sat there, shocked. I thought to myself this is not what I need right now, there is too much going on between me and Diontae. Raising a baby in a broken home is not gonna work out at all, not with his attitude. Diontae wasn't at the point where he wanted a child. He wasn't one of the men who'd sing "forever my lady" by Jodeci. " So your havin my baby and that means so much to me. Theres nothin more precious, than to raise a family." He was one of those men who'd tell you to get rid it and take you a clinic.
When I got home Diontae was already there, usually I'd beat him home from work. He had flowers put in a vase and dinner on the table. This was always his way of saying he was sorry, so I sat down like nothing happened yesterday. That was my way of accepting his apology, but I really didnt. Since I knew it was going to happen again even though he said I wouldnt. So we sat down and ate the meal he had prepared. We even had a normal conversation like a normal married couples do.
Afterwards we sat down and watched my favorite movie "The Fifth Element". I had to admit we were having a good time laughing and talking about the movie. However all that came to a close, when I began to feel sick to my stomach. Before I knew it, I was running to the bathroom with my hand over my mouth . Trying to keep the vomit down but it came right up. Luckily I made it to the toliet and there he was standing behind me.
"Baby you okay?" Diontae asked with a concerned face.
I tried to answer him but the vomit kept coming up and my face was so pale.
"You sure?" he asked again. At that point I wanted to say I was pregnant. It was jumping through my throat but I was so scared at what he was going to say. So I just said it loud and clear with no thoughts.
"Diontae I'm pregnant!" He looked at me so shocked( probably how I looked when I was told).
"We aint ready for no baby and why would you think that?" "You gon have to do something about that Tiffani, and fast."
"What do you want me to do? It took two of us to make this child, Diontae. Why you acting like that. We got money to care for a child. Whats the problem, huh?"
"Look I don't wanna talk about this, its late. I'm going to bed and we going to the clinic. End of conversation."
I was too afraid to reply back. I just sat there looking so dumbfounded. As the night hours went by I laid there in his arms, silent. I couldn't sleep I was there feeling so bad and I felt like such a coward. I was so ashamed. I constantly let him control me like I can't think or do for myself. This wasn't a marriage this was a prison with outside doors.
For the past three days Diontae and I didn't say much of nothing to each other. The only time we talked, was when he made arrangements for me to go the clinic for an abortion. Yet I continued to act like nothing was wrong with me. Somehow, I knew he had to know I was upset but to him it didnt matter. He'd get up for work, leave, then call before he got off and say he'd be home late. It didnt surprise me though, he seemed to always do that when we got into an argument. Right before he figured he wanted to put his hands on me. I knew his late nights were accompanied by some woman and the strange thing was that I didn't even care. Most of the time I wished he would leave me for her. I liked being at home without him there, I felt comfortable. There was no one here to yell about what needed to be done in the house like I was a little kid. Or I didn't have to worry if he was going to flip out and hit me but I guess that was my fault. Since I allowed this to continue.
It was Thursday morning, my appointment to go to the clinic and I was already up. I got dressed and waited on Diontae to get himself together. Still we weren't speaking to each other and I was relieved because there was nothing he could say to make this better. We got in the car and headed down to the clinic. When we pulled up I almost didn't want to get out the car but once again, I forced myself to do so.
After moments of waiting they called my name to see the doctor. Fortunately, Diontae was asked to sit in the waiting room and wait for me. When I got to the room the nurse asked me to remove my clothes and throw on a blue robe. I sat there patiently with tears rolling down my face, anxious to get it over with. Before I knew it the nurse walked in the room and I quickly wiped my tears away. I was praying she didn't notice that I was crying.
"Hi, I'm Nurse Scott. How is everything?" she said.
"Fine."
"If you don't mind I'd like to ask you a couple of questions? Just to make sure you still want to follow through with procedure," she asked properly.
"Okay I have no problem with that, go right ahead."
"Um........ have you ever had an abortion before?"
"No."
"How many weeks were you before you realized you wanted an abortion?"
"Uh well, I'm not sure. I think I was about 3 weeks"
"Well, was an abortion your first thought when you find out?
"I dont know cuz when I found out I was shocked. I mean I was kinda concerned with what my husband was going to say but mostly shocked. "
"So when he found out did you both agree on what was to be done?"
Scratching my head I said " Not exactly."
"Mrs. Williams it seems as though your not sure. Can I ask you a personal question?"
"Yeah."
"What happened when you told your husband?"
"Um... well uh... he was in shock like me."
"I mean what was said? Were there any disagreements?"
"First I told him that I was pregnant and he looked as if I was crazy. Then he started telling me that I was going to have do something. I guess he was saying I was gonna have to get an abortion. Yet, I tried to explain that we can have this baby, so we argued some more and more. Which how we ended up here. I mean its no big deal I can get pregnant again its just that now isn't a good time."
When I said that she looked at me shocked like I had told her more than she wanted to know. But for some reason I felt a little released that was the first time in a long time that I ever told somebody what happened between me and Diontae. At the same time I was embarassed and I made myself look really stupid. I sounded like one of those women who let their husband run over them and I was.
"Mrs. Williams it sounds to me like your just doing what he says do. Its like your here because he wants you to be. Because I think if it was your choice you wouldn't be here, would you?"
"No, I don't really believe in abortions"
"Soooo um... you really want this baby?"
"Yeah I do."
"Then Ms. Williams why are you here?"
At that frozen second I had no logical answer because none of this was my choice. For three years I had been letting Diontae control me like a puppet, everthing he told me to do I did. I felt really dumb sitting in that room about to have an abortion that I clearly didn't want. Even the nurse could see that I wanted my baby, deep down in my mind I knew that I just doing what he told me. The truth of the matter was I was scared as hell to tell him how I felt. I was afraid of him but within that moment I knew I had to what I had to do. I was tried of being this insecure and foolish woman. I was going to keep my baby and leave him.
"Is it too late to change my mind becasue I don't wanna go through with this, at all."
"No, sweetheart. Its better late than never. You'll have to sign your release papers. Uh... do you want to call tell your husband you've changed your mind. "
"No! I wanna leave without him seeing me. I don't want to make a dramatic scene, if he sees me still pregnant he's gonna flip"
"Well... there is a back entrance, you can go out that way."
"Thank you. I really do appreciate your concern. I haven't felt that in a long time"
"Your welcome."
When I left out the clinic I felt like a sneaky coward but also a brand new woman. The woman I use to be before I claimed his last name. I wasn't Mrs Diontae Williams I was Ms. Tiffani Bradshaw, I had my identity back. I am no longer his doormat.
I walked to the bus stop down the street from the clinic not knowing where I was headed. However, I knew I didnt wanna go back to that house because if he caught me, he would have tried to make me stay. So I hopped on the next 55th bus that detoured into the Midway Airport. I couldn't help but realize that this was a sign. A sign that I needed to get off that bus, go in the airport and start a new life. Then suddenly the song "I gotta go" by Vivian Green popped in my head. " I gotta go, I gotta leave. So please don't make this hard for me. We've been in love, I tried of us. I gotta let 'cha go." If I stay who knows what could to happen to me but I refused to stay with him. I took him back too many times, fortunately this time I was through. I needed to make a choice that was going to benefit me and my baby, in which staying with Diontae was not the best choice.
Within 2 hours I boared the next plane to Minnesota, I had family there and I knew they would be happy to see me. I hadn't see them since my wedding because me and Diontae moved to Chicago, 2 months later. While I was on the plane, I wrote Diontae a letter that explain why I left. Eventhough it was obvious that I didnt need to explain myself but I still felt there were some things that needed to be said. In the letter I wrote all the things I couldnt say when we were together, it read........
To My Downfall,
I know your wondering why I left. But In all honesty, you should already know why. I was suppose to be your wife yet you treated me like your doormat. I allowed you to make me feel like shit and that was my fault. I should have never gave you that much authority over me, I should have never let you think it was okay for you to put your hands on me and I should have never let you think I was okay for you to disrespect and cheat on me. Til Death Do Us Part, I guess I didnt obey that vow but I obeyed the rest. Can you honestly say the same thing? I doubt it. If I think back really hard, I can remember when I was in love with you. I use think I could never stopping loving you. Even when you were cheating on me I still loved you and even when you hit on me I still loved you. Thats what made it so hard for me to leave because I didnt wanna stop being with you. I thought you had felt the same. I was fooled. Sometimes I wonder were you ever in love with me? Sometimes I wonder why you treated me that way and was it my fault? But its too late to ask questions because its over. I stopped loving you the day you asked me to give up my baby, the one thing I wanted most. Right then and there I realized you didnt care about me or this baby, all you cared about was yourself. I want nothing from you but a divorce because I have taken all I can take. You never appreciated all that I gave you and I'm tried of trying to make something work that has clearly ended. I've shed too many tears for somebody who's not worth it. If you want you can act as if you dont have a child because I know you want to anyways. So go right ahead, this baby is better off without you and so am I. I was born June 14, 1982 and I died the day I married you. Fortunately, I was reborn the day I left you and I will continue to live. So GoodBye and please don't bother to write. We're better off without each other!
-Tiffani
I mailed the letter off as I got off the plane with my mother's address. I wanted to get rid of anything that had to do with him. I showed up at my mothers' house and she welcomed me with open arms. I explained to her what happened but I left out the part about Diontae beating on me. I didn't need the sympathy trip she had already felt sorry for me. Plus, some things were better left unsaid.
Months went by and I had been doing fine, I started working in a law firm downtown with my aunt. In late July I had my baby, I named her Mykyla Shauni Bradshaw, she was 6 pounds and 7 ounces. Years had went by and I never heard from Diontae again. My aunt and my mother kept telling me to file child support but I told them I wanted nothing from him. I wanted my life clear of him. Eventhough I did want my child to have a father but it wans't like he was going to volunteer to be in her life so why bother.
My mother always asked "whatcha gonna tell her when she gets older and she ask about her father". I told her I would tell Mykyla the truth.
I'd say "Your father and I were in disagreement about my pregnancy with you and he wasm't treating me right. So I left because because I wasn't to have an abortion".
Ofcourse I wouldn't tell her how abusive he was because she didn't need to know that. I wouldn't know how she'd look at me. I guess thats a secret that I'll take to the grave.
Sometimes I'd sit and wonder how things would be if I stayed with Diontae but I knew I made the right choice. I use to worry that I would never find love again but then I realize I had my daughter and that was all the love I needed. She was the best thing that happened to me and a true blessing.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Story Rubric
What is the character's name?
Tiffani Bradshaw
How old is your character, and when is his/her birthday?
25 years old-June 14,1982
Where was he/she born?
Chicago
What does he/she like to eat?
Chicken and Cheeseburgers
Who are his/her friends?
Lisa and Reshah
Who are his/her enemies?
no one
What music does he/she listen to?
R&B and Rap
What does he/she wear?
Rocawear, Babyphat, Lot29 and PEPE
On whom would he/she have a crush?
no one
Who are his/her role models and idols?
Her mother
What would be the very best thing that could happen to him/her in life?
She could have her baby
What does he/she dream about?
Being happy
What would be the worst thing that could happen to him/her in life?
She'd stay with her husband
If the character were an animal, what would he/she be?
white tiger
What is he/she afraid of?
Her husband
What would be your character's ideal date?
dont know
WHO would be your character's ideal date?
dont know
What are his/her goals?
She raise her chid right
What gets in the way of him/her pursuing these goals?
Her husband doesn't want the child
With whom does your character compete over the same goals?
no one
Who are your character's best mentors/teachers/coaches?
Her mother and aunt
Tiffani Bradshaw
How old is your character, and when is his/her birthday?
25 years old-June 14,1982
Where was he/she born?
Chicago
What does he/she like to eat?
Chicken and Cheeseburgers
Who are his/her friends?
Lisa and Reshah
Who are his/her enemies?
no one
What music does he/she listen to?
R&B and Rap
What does he/she wear?
Rocawear, Babyphat, Lot29 and PEPE
On whom would he/she have a crush?
no one
Who are his/her role models and idols?
Her mother
What would be the very best thing that could happen to him/her in life?
She could have her baby
What does he/she dream about?
Being happy
What would be the worst thing that could happen to him/her in life?
She'd stay with her husband
If the character were an animal, what would he/she be?
white tiger
What is he/she afraid of?
Her husband
What would be your character's ideal date?
dont know
WHO would be your character's ideal date?
dont know
What are his/her goals?
She raise her chid right
What gets in the way of him/her pursuing these goals?
Her husband doesn't want the child
With whom does your character compete over the same goals?
no one
Who are your character's best mentors/teachers/coaches?
Her mother and aunt
Friday, October 06, 2006
I Cant Understand
Man I cant under
stand why you do somethings, act
ing the way you
act. Dont you know I
cant too much deal with that crap.
I cant understand
How you can look at
me and see that Im not hurt?
In my eyes I held
my tears. Lies unan
swered who knows what tomorrows'
gonna hold between me
and you. You say you
care but hell I cant tell. If
you did you wouldnt lie.
Your lies hold so much
that I did not wanna know
but they were found out.
When you tell me these
lies, is it humoring? Does
it make you feel good?
Cause it really hurts
Sometimes I really wish we
never talked or meant!
Of this moment, right
now, everything that happened
I truly regret.
Man! was I a fool
for you? Letting you do what
ever you wanted to.
I should have never
let you in my heart. Guess that
was my big mistake?
But there never comes
a day when I dont wonder
if you have ever cared?
And there never comes
a day when I dont wonder
if you ever missed me?
But then I laugh. Be
cause deep down I know in my
mind and heart. You dont!
A matter of fact.
I know you dont. If only it
was easy for me.
Sometimes I wish the
situation was reversed
so that you can feel
what I feel. Because
I am tried of being this
way. Being confused.
But I'm through wining
over something that can't be.
Never you and me.
Ill find someone else,
one who will treat me wonderful.
Who will love me back.
Hope you find the same!
Cause it cant work with us. Why?
I Cant Understand!
stand why you do somethings, act
ing the way you
act. Dont you know I
cant too much deal with that crap.
I cant understand
How you can look at
me and see that Im not hurt?
In my eyes I held
my tears. Lies unan
swered who knows what tomorrows'
gonna hold between me
and you. You say you
care but hell I cant tell. If
you did you wouldnt lie.
Your lies hold so much
that I did not wanna know
but they were found out.
When you tell me these
lies, is it humoring? Does
it make you feel good?
Cause it really hurts
Sometimes I really wish we
never talked or meant!
Of this moment, right
now, everything that happened
I truly regret.
Man! was I a fool
for you? Letting you do what
ever you wanted to.
I should have never
let you in my heart. Guess that
was my big mistake?
But there never comes
a day when I dont wonder
if you have ever cared?
And there never comes
a day when I dont wonder
if you ever missed me?
But then I laugh. Be
cause deep down I know in my
mind and heart. You dont!
A matter of fact.
I know you dont. If only it
was easy for me.
Sometimes I wish the
situation was reversed
so that you can feel
what I feel. Because
I am tried of being this
way. Being confused.
But I'm through wining
over something that can't be.
Never you and me.
Ill find someone else,
one who will treat me wonderful.
Who will love me back.
Hope you find the same!
Cause it cant work with us. Why?
I Cant Understand!
Ring The Alarm
By Beyonce Knowles
Ring the alarm I
been through this too long but Ill
be damned if I see
other chick on your arm
Wont you ring the alarm? I
been through this too long
but I damned if I
see another chick on your arm. She
gon be rockin chin
chilla furs if I let
you go. Getting the house off
coast if I let you
go. She gon take every
thing I own if I let you
go. I cant let go.
Tell me how should I
feel when you I know what I know
and my female in
tuition telling me
you a dog. People told me
bout the flames I couldnt
see through the smoke. When
I need answers, accusa
tions what you mean you
gone choke? You cant stay
you gotta go aint no chick
spending you dough. This
is taking a toll
the way the story unfolds not
picture perfect movie
everyone would have saw.
She gon be rockin chinchill
furs if I let you
go. Getting the house
off coast if I let you go
she gon take everything
I own if I let
you go I cant let you go
damned if I let you
go. Tell me how I
should I feel when you made me
belong and the thought
of you just touching
her is what I hate most? I
dont want you but I
want it and I cant
let it go to know you give
it to her like you
gave it to me Oh!
He's arrogant and bold
she gon love that shit
I know. I done put
in a call time to ring the
alarm cause you aint
never seen a fire
like the one I'm cause!
I cant let you go.
How can you look at
me and not see all the things
that I kept just for
you? Why would you risk
it baby is that the price
that I had paid. But
this is my show and
I wont let you go. All has
been paid for and its
mine. How could you look
at me and not see all things?
I cant let you go!
Ring the alarm I
been through this too long but Ill
be damned if I see
other chick on your arm
Wont you ring the alarm? I
been through this too long
but I damned if I
see another chick on your arm. She
gon be rockin chin
chilla furs if I let
you go. Getting the house off
coast if I let you
go. She gon take every
thing I own if I let you
go. I cant let go.
Tell me how should I
feel when you I know what I know
and my female in
tuition telling me
you a dog. People told me
bout the flames I couldnt
see through the smoke. When
I need answers, accusa
tions what you mean you
gone choke? You cant stay
you gotta go aint no chick
spending you dough. This
is taking a toll
the way the story unfolds not
picture perfect movie
everyone would have saw.
She gon be rockin chinchill
furs if I let you
go. Getting the house
off coast if I let you go
she gon take everything
I own if I let
you go I cant let you go
damned if I let you
go. Tell me how I
should I feel when you made me
belong and the thought
of you just touching
her is what I hate most? I
dont want you but I
want it and I cant
let it go to know you give
it to her like you
gave it to me Oh!
He's arrogant and bold
she gon love that shit
I know. I done put
in a call time to ring the
alarm cause you aint
never seen a fire
like the one I'm cause!
I cant let you go.
How can you look at
me and not see all the things
that I kept just for
you? Why would you risk
it baby is that the price
that I had paid. But
this is my show and
I wont let you go. All has
been paid for and its
mine. How could you look
at me and not see all things?
I cant let you go!
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Everybodys Fool
By: Evanescence
Perfect by nature
Icons by self indulgence
just what we all need
Lies about a world
that never was and never
will be? Have you no
shame? Dont you see me?
You know you've got everyybod
y fooled look here she
comes. Oh bow down and
stare in wonder oh how we
love you no flaws. When
you've pretending but
now I know she never was
and never will be
You dont know how you've
betrayed me and somehow you've
got everybody fooled
without the mask where
will you hide? Cant I find yourself
lost in your lies I
know the truth now I
know who you are and I dont
love you anymore It
never was and Ne
ver will be you dont know how
you've betrayed me and
somehow you've got every
body fooled it never was
and never will be
Your not real and you
cant save me. Somehow now your
everybody fool love
Catch me as I fall
Say your here and its all over
now speaking to the
atmosphere no ones
here and I fall into my
self this truth drives me
into madness I
know I can stop the pain if
I will it all a
way dont turn away
dont try to hide the pain a
way dont give into
Though they're screaming your
name dont close your eyes
Gods knows what lies be
hind them dont turn out
the lights never sleep never
die Im frightened by
what I see but some
how I know thats theres much more
to come immobilized
by my fear and soon
to be blinded by tears I
can stop the pain if
I will it all a
way domt turn away dont turn
away dont give in.
Perfect by nature
Icons by self indulgence
just what we all need
Lies about a world
that never was and never
will be? Have you no
shame? Dont you see me?
You know you've got everyybod
y fooled look here she
comes. Oh bow down and
stare in wonder oh how we
love you no flaws. When
you've pretending but
now I know she never was
and never will be
You dont know how you've
betrayed me and somehow you've
got everybody fooled
without the mask where
will you hide? Cant I find yourself
lost in your lies I
know the truth now I
know who you are and I dont
love you anymore It
never was and Ne
ver will be you dont know how
you've betrayed me and
somehow you've got every
body fooled it never was
and never will be
Your not real and you
cant save me. Somehow now your
everybody fool love
Catch me as I fall
Say your here and its all over
now speaking to the
atmosphere no ones
here and I fall into my
self this truth drives me
into madness I
know I can stop the pain if
I will it all a
way dont turn away
dont try to hide the pain a
way dont give into
Though they're screaming your
name dont close your eyes
Gods knows what lies be
hind them dont turn out
the lights never sleep never
die Im frightened by
what I see but some
how I know thats theres much more
to come immobilized
by my fear and soon
to be blinded by tears I
can stop the pain if
I will it all a
way domt turn away dont turn
away dont give in.
